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  • Northern 'hand cream'

    Northern 'hand cream'

    Im often asked what hand cream I use to keep my hands looking so youthfull and full of vigour so after many years of trying various lotions potions and notions from leading manufacturers I accidently hit on the perfect hand cream.

    So settle in and read the fascinating story of Northern hand cream. 

    After a proper night on the piss I stumbled into my local chippy and ordered chips, Yorkshire caviar  (mushy peas to you in the south) , scraps and a can of dandilion and burdock pop to wash down the tasty post pub feast. So being shit faced good and proper I didn't use a fork and dug in using just my trotter, as I staggered back home and finishing the food I threw the tray and can In the neighbours garden and proceded  to the settee (my settee not the neighbours) with the gas fire on four bars as a late night treat while watching my prized box set of 'Hit Man and Her'.

    As I awoke the following morning  feeling as rough as a bears arse and sweating like you do when you sleep on the settee, I noticed that my left trotter was noticeably softer and more youthful looking than the adjacent hoof. What have we here? I thought, how could this be? It wasn't untill the neighbour called round to give me a bollocking for throwing the chip tray in their garden and pissing on the roses did I realise that I had stumbled on a kind of animal rendered alixiour of youth.

    Has to be lard though, none of that poncy goose fat southern drizzling chefs use, thats reserved for my english channel swimming attempts. 

    Send some work please. 

    None of the above is true, I just can't think of anything serious to Blog about hand modelling.